


Begins and Ends with ‘I Love You’

by DyslexicSquirrel



Series: Stony Bingo 2019 [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Pining, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), but could turn into one, exactly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 05:43:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20092210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DyslexicSquirrel/pseuds/DyslexicSquirrel
Summary: Sometimes he wrote things, sometimes he didn’t. Sometimes he ended up drawing on the page, things he would be embarrassed for anyone else to see.





	Begins and Ends with ‘I Love You’

**Author's Note:**

> Not even going to lie, I cried while writing this. I watched CA:CW last week and it broke my heart all over again. When I saw this particular prompt on my bingo card I knew what I wanted to do even though it would hurt. 
> 
> Stony bingo round 2 prompt fill (square S3)  
Photo prompt: a man’s hands, one holding a to-go cup, the other holding a pen poised over a piece of paper and an envelope.
> 
> **Edit:** Re-titled because I wasn’t happy with the old one lol Loosely based off of a quote from Patricia Smith

Steve picks up the to-go cup Natasha had set down in front of him earlier, but sets it back down again without taking a sip. Nat knew what he was doing. Hell, Sam did, too. But neither one of them ever said anything when he sat down with a blank piece of paper in front of him and a pen in his hand staring at it for hours. Sometimes he wrote things, sometimes he didn’t. Sometimes he ended up drawing on the page, things he would be embarrassed for anyone else to see. 

Tony’s hands, Tony’s eyes, Tony’s face. His suits, both fabric and metal. Different positions Steve had seen him sit over the years. Expressions Tony would make that Steve needed to commit to paper so he didn’t forget what they looked like because there was a chance he would never see him again. And worst off all we’re the ones of Tony’s face the last time he  _ had  _ seen him. The look of betrayal that still tore Steve in two. 

He’s my friend, Steve had told him. So was I, Tony had said back. You were more than that, Steve had wanted to say, the words trying to claw their way out of his throat, burning like acid. 

He’d written a million letters since the one he sent to Tony with that phone. Hoping, praying, that Tony would call. So he could explain. But he didn’t feel like he deserved that chance. For so many reasons. 

I had to save him because it’s my fault he ended up like that, he wanted to say, but heard Peggy’s words from that pub so long ago, in another life, when he was another man. “Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him?...Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice.” 

If only it were that easy, Peg. I believed in and respected Tony, too, even when I didn’t agree with him and look how that turned out. 

And now because he couldn’t let go of that guilt, the guilt of not being able to save Bucky, maybe for not going back for him even when it would have meant going into a war zone again, he’d destroyed any chance he might have had with someone who had come to mean more to him that Steve had realized until it was too late. 

He wanted to tell Tony so many things. 

I’m sorry.

I should have told you.

I should have trusted you.

I should have trusted  _ us _ .

He even wrote some of them, with a shaky hand, in his handwriting that was now old fashioned because he still found writing letters easier than texting. He wrote other things, too. Sometimes.

I miss you.

I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope someday I’ll earn it.

I thought I was doing the right thing and I know you did, too. I see that now even though it might be too late. 

God, do I love you. 

But just like all the other letters and drawings he would never send, this one too went in his bag, safely tucked away. Then his bag went under the bed in the safe house he, Sam and Nat were staying in, somewhere in Europe. He’d lost track somewhere. It didn’t matter anyway. It wasn’t where he wanted to  _ be _ .

But Bucky was safe, Wanda and Vision we’re off somewhere together, he assumed Clint was at the farm with Laura and the kids and when Steve had finally bothered to ask Natasha had told him that Scott was on house arrest, but fine. He’d succeeded at… something. Even as he’d lost something else. 

He glanced at the phone, sitting on the nightstand, and considered picking it up, just calling Tony. To hear his voice, to know he was there. But just like he never sent the letters, he never dialed the number. 

Steve picked up the to-go cup and went to find Sam and Nat. He needed something to do and kicking someone’s ass, solving someone else’s problem, usually did the trick.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment and kudos, please? 
> 
> I’m sorry for writing the sad thing, but I needed to. There will be other fluffy, not shitty things later I swear! Like the one about Tony pining after America’s Ass (before it was American’s Ass? Or would it have already been because of time travel? Eh, whatever. He stares at Steve’s ass A LOT). >_>


End file.
